KANSAS CITY, MO -- The National Rifle Association (NRA) lobbying group hailed a recent Japanese massacre as "a major victory for America." The event occurred yesterday when a knife wielding man killed 8 elementary school children in a crazed attack.
    The NRA, now the most powerful lobby in America according to a recent survey, says this is a clear indication that Japan should loosen its constrictive gun laws. "As we've always said- guns don't kill people, people kill people," said president Waynne LaPierre. "If you took guns away, people would still commit the same number of murders. They would just use knives, stun batons, large rocks, driftwood, mechanical pencils, sponges, alfalfa or herring," adding, "all of which are available from the official NRA catalog."
    Japan is in a state of abject shock over the incident. The country has traditionally enjoyed a low crime rate and mass school slayings were believed to be an exclusively American, gun-wielding phenomenon.
    LaPierre did offer some regrets. "This is an inconsolable tragedy," he said. "The (elementary) school should have had more armed guards." The statement echoes the NRA response to the Columbine High School massacre.