There are a lot of misconceptions about writing for a newspaper like the New York Times. For one thing, I see a lot of new reporters coming in who think that people want to read newspaper articles that are simple and informative. That's a misconception. What a news consumer really wants, even if they don't realize it, is total immersion in rich, insuperable prose.
   
    We'll format this guide in an example-critique format. Let's begin with this sentence:
   
    AOL Time Warner is trying to market its publishing division
   
    Remember: part of the fun of reading a newspaper is constantly having to run and grab a dictionary. Try adding a few memes from Oxford's Unabridged:
   
    AOL Time Warner ist tryeing to floge its tome-heaving division
   
    Here is another example:
   
    According to reports, 3 gunshots were fired at approximately 11:00 am
   
    This sentence is too clear. Try adding an obscure Latin phrase to make your sentence harder to understand:
   
    Ceteris parabis, 3 gunshots were fired at approximately 11:00 am, prima facie.
   
    French is also acceptable. And so is German, as long as it's something long, unpronounceable and, most preferably, an idiom or euphemism with a non-literal meaning that won't be easy to look up. Readers love a challenge!
   
    Dow averages for last month were 3.5% below analyst expectations.
   
    Try to spice up this sentence with a reference to Virgil. it will be fun for your reader to enroll at Vassar and major in English Lit. while reading your article.
   
    Here is a similar example:
   
    Olympus makes the best digital cameras of today, say analysts.
   
    This sentence is simply very smooth and flowing; nauseously easy to read. Better jar the reader with an unexpected French pronoun for no reason in the middle of your ostensibly English sentence:
   
    Olympus makes the best digital cameras du today, say analysts.
   
    Be sure to make up at least one new word per article. Shakespeare did, so so should you as a reporter. If you're writing about James Bond movies, say something about a quest for "Bond-age". Or, if you're writing about Apple iMacs, start using lower case i's instead of I's everywhere. Be creative, literally.
   
    Look at this example:
   
    The question remains whether or not the administration can raise tax revenues.
   
    The voice in this sentence is too unemotional and hateless. As an objective newspaper reporter, the tone of your articles should be as arrogant and pretentious as possible. Every patron of arts knows artists -- and that's what you are, an artist -- need motivation, and yours should be the need to show that you're better than your classmates at Brown:
   
    Deep inside, a question burns, lingers: where, oh where, can this auburn-haired king find such doubloons?
   
    On one last point, you should write what you know. There is room for self-expression in newsjournalism, Readers don't just want to know about the North Korean crisis, they also want to know about you as a person. Whether you're in a dark pit in Afghanistan or a midlevel 2 bedroom loft in NoHo, always ask yourself: what interests me?
   
    For instance: Starbucks, Noam Chomsky, Finding a comfortable black beret and matching scarf.
   
    There are endless topics that affect you as a reporter and news artist. Just tap your obviously expansive imagination.
   
    It takes a long time to unlearn the belief that newspapers were meant to purvey useful information, but keep at it. Every time you are writing, constantly ask yourself: if this article were placed in a time capsule for 1000 years, would a person reading it in the future be able to understand it? If the answer is yes, better start rewriting, because you've got a lot a screws to turn.