WASHINGTON, DC -- This week hundreds of heavily armed and bloodthirsty retarded people went on a flood of unrelated high-profile murder sprees across the country.
   
    Many blame last week's Supreme Court decision that ruled sentencing mentally retarded convicts to death was in violation of the 8th amendment to the Constitution protecting against cruel and unusual punishment. After the ruling, convicts who fit the requirements can only be sentenced to life imprisonment.
   
    In Los Angeles, where retard gangs have been laying in wait for years for sentencing protection, the death toll was shockingly high. Bodies littered the sidewalks as Orange County aid workers struggled to free the living and dead trapped underneath four collapsed overpasses.
   
    The Court decision was made 6-3. "Those mentally retarded persons who meet the law's requirements for criminal responsibility should be tried and punished when they commit crimes. Because of their disabilities in areas of reasoning, judgment and control of their impulses, however, they do not act with the level of moral culpability that characterizes the most serious adult criminal conduct,” Justice John Paul Stevens wrote in for the majority.
   
    Firefighters in Seattle, Washington say it will take days to extinguish the building fires started by rioting, violent retards, and Spokane remains evacuated after a series of retard-started firestorms, smoke clouds and tornados wreaked havoc on the city's Western border.
   
    Death penalty opponents in this country applauded the decision. "Many people have concerns about the death penalty," said Tom Jerwet of the Death Penalty Information Council. "Finally we have stopped a practice that most Americans and the Western world find morally outrageous."
   
    "We are asking everyone to stay inside until it is safe to go outside again and the gas clouds have cleared," said a Houston, TX, security official. The area National Guard was paralyzed because so much of its armored division is mentally retarded.
   
    However, a handful of conservatives, notably the Court's most conservative Justices, bitterly opposed the decision. "Effective deterrent is needed against capital crimes, no matter what the mental capacity of the criminal," wrote Justice Anton Scalia in a minority opinion. "With only the threat of spending the rest of their lives in jail, potential criminals including the retarded will not be effectively deterred."
   
    And in Washington, thousands of lightly armed mentally retarded people marched on the city, chanting "Cookies! Cookies!" and throwing hand grenades at police and city officials.
   
    Justice Scalia read his summary opinion from the bench after the majority was read, an action used only when a Justice disagrees with the opinion unusually strongly. Scalia, according to the Washington Post, his voice rising at times, accused the majority of finding an "artificial" national consensus. "Seldom," he said, "has an opinion of this court rested to obviously upon nothing but the personal views of its members."