No matter where you hide, I will find you. I hunt you down, smoke you out of your holes, and eat your delicious souls.
   
    You are no match for me.
   
    Like the other day, we brought in this guy -- they caught him inspecting chemical freight cars at a rail terminal near a DuPont factory and was carrying instructions on how to make atomic bombs written in Arabic. He kept talking about lawyers, his rights, he was being totally non-cooperative.
   
    Then I went into the interrogation. I spoke to him. I cleared the table.
   
    "Listen," I said. "I don't want your information. I want to eat your soul!"
    You should have seen him then. He was crying like a baby! He gave us maps, testimony, crucial information -- but it made no difference! I ate his soul with glee!
   
    Then there was that group of Algerians who were brought in carrying ingredients to make a fertilizer bomb and could not explain the top secret maps of Edwards Air Force Base kept in the tiny apartment the nine of them shared. Their souls were the most moist and delicious that I can remember! I almost couldn't wait for the men to stop asking them their silly questions.
   
    Or the man found swimming outside the Norfolk Naval Base with sack full of grenades and several photographs autographed to him wishing "best of luck" from Osama bin Laden himself! He howled louder than the Dark Angels of the Necrolyptor on a call to battle, but I did not listen. I ate his soul!
   
    So, those who would try to throw terror into the United States, the message is clear: your soul is mine! No matter how low you crawl, or how deep you hide, or how fowl your cries, be assured that your soul awaits my eager lips!
   
    Tonight, I dine on souls!
   
    John Ashcroft is the current US Attorney General and Eater of Souls.