HELL -- Adolf Hitler is the charismatic mastermind who took total control of Germany from 1933 to 1945. His rule resulted in at least 50 million deaths worldwide.
   
    Have you heard about Osama bin Laden?
    Oh, I have and I'm very excited to meet him. They've got all sorts of banners and decorations up down here. Everyone's very excited.
   
    What do you think of his work?
    Needless to say, I'm a big fan. That whole suicide attack thing was a great idea. I wish I had thought of it. Of course, the imperial Japanese had the same thing going but they never got it going with quite the same pizzaz.
   
    Do you have any advice for him?
    If anything ... he's really a little too reclusive. That's part of his game, I know, but parades are such fun and I know he would love it if he just tried throwing one or two.
   
    Have you met any of the attackers?
    They're such ripe bastards, they're so great. Yes, I have spoken with many of them. They all say good things about bin Laden. But you know, they are all the foot-soldiers types, you know, not really my kind of guy. Except for that Atta guy. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm having him over for tea Tuesday afternoon.
   
    Do you think, as some have conjectured, that US foreign policy invited such an attack?
    Have you completely missed the point!? The fact is, those people are fucking desparate. If you can find someone, anyone, to point the finger at and make the people feel better about themselves in the process they'll follow you all the way to Hell.
   
    Do you think this is the begining or the end of bin Laden's career?
    Well, ha, ha! I'm not allowed to talk about the schedules. But I will say this- invest in pork bellies. And beware peach cobbler.
   
    If you were alive today, what would you doing?
    The third world is really the place to be right now. That's where it's all happening. I love all this terrorism stuff, but I would really love to raise an army of darkness and march it all over the face of the Earth.
   
    Do you have any advice for future generations of inhuman, evil geniouses?
    Yes: study hard! Economics and political science came in very handy. But as for military science... you don't really need it anyway. I always slept through that class. I came up with the swastika from a doodle in the margin of my Geology 105 notes, you know. And while conquering the world and slaughtering innocents may take up the bulk of your time, don't forget to find a hobby. For me, it is painting. As much evil as any one man can create, there is no beauty greater than articulate self-expression in art form. That's my 2 cents, anyway.
   
    This interview was conducted via email.