I just installed kernel version 2.4.2, and boy does it scream! Let me start answering your questions now.
   
   
    I constantly look in the mirror and pick apart my flaws. Am I attractive enough?
   
    Make sure your hip to waist ratio is set to 0.7 in your configuration files, probably in the /etc or /usr/local directories, then reboot. You may need to be the superuser to accomplish this.
   
   
    I got drunk last night, and everyone is saying I hooked up with this gross guy. I don't remember a thing. How can I tell for sure?
   
    Next time, be sure to enable logging of all socket connections in /etc/cron.nightly. It's a possibility is that his socket logs report making connections that never occurred, a common error. On my system I often have logs of connecting with Selma Hayek and Angelina Jolie on ports 24 and 80 simultaneously though obviously impossible as the system was in sleep mode.
   
   
    My friends say I dress too revealingly. Am I a slut?
   
    Leaving your software firewalls configured at minimum levels only invites potential attack. Enable more protections and you may need to close the vaginal port in /etc/inetd.conf to ensure only local use.
   
   
    My boyfriend and I are having problems communicating. Last night, he wanted to make a portibello salad but I wanted eggplant and mushroom pitas for dinner! Help!
   
    Ping your boyfriend and make sure you can resolve his identity records. As a last resort make sure the ethernet cables connecting you to your boyfriend are not damaged- the results may surprise you.
   
    Nathan is our resident Linux expert and columnist. He can be reached at nathan@dailysedative.com