MOUNT SINAI -- God has announced plans to release a new revision to His woman products line, currently at version number 1.1a, meeting with fanfare from His customers and distributors alike.
   

Woman: New Features.     +larger breasts     +additional breast which dispenses not milk but expensive imported beer     +drink holders     +clearly marked "off" switch

    "We listened to our customers, and added all of their most-requested features. The new units will sport increased breast size, seven additional orifices, and drink holders for placing your beverage while your hands are busy." said the Archangel Michael at a glitzy press conference. "And as a build-to-order option, you will be able to add-on a third breast which dispenses imported beer instead of life-giving milk."
   
    "I can just taste the Smirnoff Ice now."
   
    The new lineup is the first major upgrade to Woman in more than 60,000 years, and is meeting a mixed reaction from critics. The previous model had been wildly successful despite heavy criticism from industry experts.
   
    "The Woman's CPU, or 'brain,' is not underpowered, just inefficient," said Scientific American columnist Red Bartley. "Too many processor cycles were repeatedly wasted on flowers, horses, color schemes and macramé or knitting. Men spend virtually all of their processor cycles about, you know, important things like sex and masterbating."
   
    "Women were also second-rate killers, lacking in both drive and capacity to pummel or assassinate their enemies," siad UCal-Berkely Biology Professor John Fogherty. "This bug has been fixed and women will now wish and will to annihilate thousands with their razor-sharp talons."
   
    "Fear Woman now, lest she shall bite you and make you totally lame!"
   
    The current female model was met with much fanfare but anti-trust experts said it was too difficult for casual users to separate, or "unbundle," sex from commitment. "Sure, it was difficult," said computer science professor William Cogburn, "You had to go mess around in the configuration scripts then dump the memory, but in the end tying products like this only hurts the end user."
   
    "God is just doing this to push His [crash-prone] flagship platform, Life. Woman was supposed to make it better, but they only make it worse. Much, much worse."
   
    "I would really like to get me one of those," said 34 year old Iowa wheat farmer Bob Wilson, looking at wife glaring at him, continued, "Umm wait no I wouldn't."