Choosing a major is one of the most important and difficult decisions every college student must make, even more important than choosing between Ruphynol and GHB (and for this we recommend Ruphynol- no contest). We here at The Daily Sedative have compiled a list descriptions of some common majors to provide thoughtful advice to our nation's college students.
   
    Computer Science
    CS majors know quite a lot about computers but very little else, such as the frivolous sciences of personal hygiene. They might appear strangely confused when gazing upon anything other than the beautiful, beautiful glow of a computer monitor, as they are creatures of the dark whom fear the light of day. This nocturnal activity cycle can make their skin translucent or even transparent, thoughtfully convenient for post-mortem analysis after their inevitable suicide.
   
    Information Systems
    IS is a deeply cynical and fatalistic study; it is the study of death. Its student seek to answer questions like, "What happens to my toe nails after I die? You know, like when I get buried and stuff?" so they conveniently keep all of their nail clippings in little glass vials, which they scatter around and sometimes incinerate to honor their various pagan gods.
   
    Biology
    Hideous from every angle, these stinking beasts wander the misty subdungeons of the library for most of their existence. Sometimes they will become drunk from their own sweat and emerge from the underground to frighten children and take exams.
   
    Political Science
    These men live out their fantasies of wielding tremendous power and fixing world admiration upon themselves by reading long books about how Hitler should have won. They secretly wish they too were paranoid schizophrenic geniuses which they attempt to emulate by inevitably bringing up World War II in unrelated conversations. Devious, scheming but are altogether harmless because they couldn't hurt a fly, nor could they out-think it.
   
    Business
    Clean-shaven, cold-hearted and evil, business majors will stay up late, make human sacrifices and dance around the bonfire practicing the black arts of advertising and market research. Some say the Devil himself shows himself at these ceremonies and makes presentations on demographic elasticity. They want desperately to plot your enslavement- but have to spend too much time taking those damn accounting classes.
   
    Linguistics
    Linguists are known for their proficiency in blow jobs and resonance in orgasms. Sadly, as their habitat is being consumed by a material world, the linguistic is becoming all but extinct. A few are kept in preserves in Utah and Oregon and occasionally they are sighted in the wild or laying dead on the side of the highway.
   
    Dance
    Dance majors have great legs, and it is advisable that you have sex with them as often as possible. Their unbelievable endurance and pliable bodies provide endless opportunities for sodomy.
   
    English
    Introverted and unpopular in high school, books were the perfect escape. There, in the imaginary worlds of literature, they were far from the realization that their lack of self-esteem was perfectly justified.
   
    Film
    Film is for borderline English majors who find visual images more erotic. Your life is easy as a film major: as long as you write papers in the same language as the professor (which could be anything because they pull these people off the street -- "Hey, kid, wanna be a Film professor?") then you can just hand in old papers, of any length or topic from that box your mom keeps in the basement full of all the stuff you did in the third grade.
   
    Stay tuned to The Daily Sedative for more helpful info.