NEW YORK CITY -- The New York Times recently reported that among the betrayals of alleged veteran double agent Robert Hanssen was an ongoing US intelligence operation which involved a secret spy tunnel below the Russian embassy in Washington.
   
    Asked by a New York Times reporter to confirm that Hanssen had comprimised the operation, FBI Director Louis Freeh muttered under his breath, "no, the New York Times just comprimised that operation," though reportedly sources in both US and Russian intelligence agencies deny that the tunnel story is accurate.
   
    As the drama unfolded, the Times began reporting additional dangerous US secrets that may have been comprimised by Hanssen and printed a special additional section of the newspaper to document those secrets in acute detail.
   
    Among them some were absolutely horrifying. We have selected some highlights of this report below:

THE NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL SECTION OF VITAL CLASSIFIED INFORMATION THAT WOULD BE UNFATHOMABLY DANGEROUS TO NATIONAL SECURITY IF REVEALED
    - as told to Robert Hanssen as told to Russian intelligence agents as told to our virtually infallible sources
   
    Section 1: Morose Secrets
    "the secret to going to bars is to get really drunk before you go, not while you're there"
    "the secret to squash is in your wrists"
   
    Section 2: Children's Secrets
    There is no easter bunny or tooth fairy
   
    Section 3: Basic Science
    The secret of fire
    Levers and fulcrums
    The wheel
   
    Section 4: Complex Secrets
    Automatic transmission
    The Rules: Time Tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein,Sherrie Schneider (1995)
   
    Section 5: The X-Files
    Agent Mulder is really a dead alien reincarnated as a cyborg cloned from another race of alien/human hybrid that is waging a secret war against us about which the government is being completely honest
    The Smoking man is gay
    Agent Scully is really just a figment of Agent Mulder's imagination, to be revealed in final episode- other agents just find his eccentricity to talk to himself cute and endearing
   
    Section 6: The Almost Unthinkable
    The password to Bill Gates' Hotmail account
    The NSA's secret backdoor to all standard RSA and PGP encryption schemas
    Launch codes to all stationary US nuclear ICBM launch sites
   
    Section 7: The Unthinkable
    Neither Russia nor the Soviet Union before it has posed a significant threat to the security of the United States for at least the last thirty years.

    Reactions to the report have been mixed.
   
    In an emotional moment at a presentation after reading the NYT report, a visibly shaken CIA Director George J. Tenet looked up, his big, brown eyes streaming with tears, and cried "how- h-h-how can there be no Santa Claus.. How could they have lied to me? They lied to me!!!" He then threw his face into his arms, sobbing quietly for half an hour.
   
    As expected, according to White House press secretary Ari Fleischer has stated that the Bush administration has questioned the accuracy of the report that our enemies were not threatening to us. Increasing defense spending was the first and only section of the Bush platform during most of the early half his presidential campaign.
   
    Bush was once quoted as saying, "Think of the children- do we want thme to live in a world without a constant tension over a constantly accelerating arms race? Without the everpresent threat of nuclear annihilation from powerful, fundamentally opposed nations? I don't think that's a world we would want our children to grow up in."
   
    Given repeated dirty looks by Freeh at press conferences and under pressure for severe wrist-slapping for comprimising national security, NYT reporters acknowledged they did hold back some material on good faith. "We knew that the Russians had also acquired Christina Aguilera, Mi Reflejo (2000) and My Kind of Christmas (2000) but after length deliberation within our staff we decided the evidence was too thin for even us to print."
   
    The Wall Street Journal also suggested recently that Hanssen's delivery of a copy of The Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith (1776) might have prompted their emigration to a free market economy, but an NSA spokesperson considered that possibility "laughable."