The Daily Sedative
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IRAQ FOCUS: We Should Keep Doing What We've Always Been Doing
WASHINGTON, DC -- Experts like George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney say that the right approach in Iraq is to continue existing techniques and strategy unchanged.
    "Now is the time to keep going forward unwavering," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, in a speech this week. "We should keep doing things the same way, without trying any less or more than before."
    "I think it's frankly out of the question to consider some other, crazy untested strategy," said Vice-President Dick Cheney in response to a reporter's question. "It could be dangerous to take some kind of shift at this time."
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IRAQ FOCUS: Report Says Iraqi Language May Be Barrier
WASHINGTON, DC -- A new State Department report released this week said that language barriers may be one factor in the country's reconstruction woes.
    "Iraqis use a strange, incomprehensible series of meaningless phonemes to communicate. Needless to say, it's very difficult to understand," the report said. "Iraqis may communicate much more efficiently with a language like English, which is easy to learn and use."
    State Department Deputy Secretary Ronald Zoellick explained, "There may in fact be no one 'Iraqi language,' but they may even speak a number of different strange languages, if you can believe that. All the more reason for them to standardize on the English language for their own use."
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Cloned Pigs Could Make Better Politicians
ST. LOUIS -- This week a group of university researchers made headlines when they announced they created cloned pigs that could produce heart-disease fighting nutrients, opening the door to healthier bacon and pork chops.
    Soon after, however, a group of bio-political scientists announced they had created a strain of cloned pigs that could make healthier, more efficient politicians.
    "While the findings are still highly theoretical, it's still a very big leap," said Alexis Lemont, a genetic sociologist. "Imagine these cloned pigs, drafting and voting on legislation in an all-ungulate Congress," she continued. "Believe it or not, we think this technology is not that far off."
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